Original Poetry

Read some of my completed poems and little lines that haven't quite found their way into finished writing...yet.

Story Time

I wrote this poem for Ren in late 2023 because I was so appreciative of how much his music and his story had helped me. 2023 was one of the hardest years of my life, with my mental health at an all-time low. The Renegade community, Ren's music, and his willingness to show the more vulnerable sides of him all helped me get through that period of my life and come out stronger on the other side.

Beyond this poem, Ren's music really helped me reconnect with my own creative side. This poem and the ones below are the first I've written in over 15 years, and while they're not perfect I'm still proud of them.

Eventually I want to polish some of these poems and put them together in a book. In the meantime, they're here for you to read.

Mirror

Would you miss me

If I disappeared without a word

Never to be heard from again?

Lost to memory

But that fades too,

And do you think perhaps

I'd remember you?

How long, until I'm but a ghost

In your head?

The faintest silhouette

Viewed only at night

From the comfort of bed?

Would you wonder where I went--

Or why?

Would you wonder if there'd been signs?

And if I disappeared without a word,

Would it hurt?

Would you reflect on all that went left unsaid?

Would you wonder if I was happy,

Living my best life, free from dread?

And the responsibilities of navigating

The horrors locked inside my head?

Gone, but thriving in another space,

A beaming smile

Lighting up my face.

Not thinking of you--

You've already been erased,

Usurped by a force that I can't quite place

Would you even notice my absence?

Do I hold that kind of permanence

In your mind?

Or are you blind to the sway you hold over me?

I feel you in every breath I take

It's unpleasant, but a habit I can't quite shake

Because who would I be if I were to break

Free from the thrall that holds me in place

The doubt

The self-loathing

The fear

The hate

Is there even a world where I might escape

From you, the stranger who wears my face

Hunting me down

Always giving chase?

Whenever I think I might just embrace

All that I am, you find me

Dragging me back to the deepest depths

Where I pine for happiness and drown in regret

But no matter how many times

You pull me back,

I'll bide my time, planning my next attack

Because all that I am

And all that I'll be

Is a better version of the current me

Forest

Oh my mind it often wanders

To the darkest part of the wood

Steps off the beaten path to ponder,

As Frost implied we should

It stops to smell the flowers

That bloom in shadowed nooks

And lazes among fronded ferns

Grown thick beside babbling brooks

The path grows ever darker

As branches choke out light

And quiet stills the whispering wind

Until the forest is as night

My mind it travels further

Until brambles tear at skin

And the path turns sharp and twisted--

A maze that makes it spin

It stops to smell the flowers

Now smothered by the moss

Half-decayed and rotting

Steeped in shadow and loss

My mind it starts to falter

Caught within the forest’s grip

And measures its steps carefully

For fear that it might slip

It turns in all directions

Tangled thick in thorn and web

And draws deep breaths in slowly

Until the fear begins to ebb

The thunderous quiet lessens

And birds begin to caw

Great beasts of black and oil slick,

They swarm the forest’s maw

They bite at branch and bramble

And beat away the moss

Parting forest canopy

With wings and beaks and claws

Cool moonlight washes over me

And floods the forest path

While crows hold back the branches

Inviting me to pass

My mind retraces footsteps

Now bathed in dappled light

Revealing a straight and narrow path

Whose end is within sight

The path less traveled beckons

But wander it with care

For if you stray too far off course

You'll be trapped within its snare

Marionette

I'm afflicted with melancholy

Trapped in my head

Wondering why I'm so lonely

And what histories have led

To this addiction with examining these

Thoughts that I dredge

From the depths of my mind

At night, as I lay contemplative in bed

There's a melody to the madness

That sings in my head

A symphony of sadness

Dances around the cage of my skull

Drumming a beat that holds me in thrall

It plucks at the strings inside of my soul

And captures my mind like a siren's call

It manipulates my body

As if I'm a puppet on strings

Moving to the beat of a fever dream

Or a nightmare, as so often it seems

Choking back tears while I split at the seams

My heart spills out in front of me

Tumbling down to the ballroom floor

I stare down as it pulses softly

Beckoning me with a hopeful allure

It shines brightly battered, but beating

And breaks the thrall that's stifled my breathing

I pick it back up and bite at the strings

Place it inside and sew up the seams

Whole once again, an imperfect figurine

The Mask

I am a chasm
A bottomless well
Overflowing with emotions
Best kept to myself

Always
I’ve felt too deeply
Swimming in melancholy
Stuck in my head
Reciting nightly fantasies
To drown out the dread
Dissociating from reality
Hanging on by a thread
Of sanity, anxieties neatly
Tucked under my bed
Where they haunt my dreams
Spinning nightmare webs

Introspective to a fault
In tune with myself
But still drifting, lost
Distracting my mind
To keep it from breaking
From crying
From raging
And hypervent’lating

Advised by society
To turn off the faucet
Like, “got it!”
Let me just tighten the socket
Push it down
Though my heart’s aching
Careful now
Can’t be seen shaking

Slip on the Mask
A dazzling façade
Paste on a smile
And watch them applaud
Reinforce it with steel
I know it feels wrong
It doesn’t have to be real
It just has to be strong

Breaking the Mask

I live in a state of constant flux
Erratically shifting from joyous to
crushed
Beneath the weight of the world
Afraid I’ll never measure up
To the self-imposed standards
That I can’t seem to slough

On the inside…

But on the outside I’m stuck
Wearing the Mask, a careful construct
That I present as myself (can’t self-destruct)
If it slips, if they see me,
Well I guess then—tough luck

There’s no sympathy for empathic tendencies
In a society consumed by voracity
Idolizing immorality
Stripped of its tenacity
A hairsbreadth from calamity

So I hold my Mask firmly in place
A shield for the emotion laid bare on
my face
But oh, how it suffocates me

I draw in a breath
But still I can’t breathe
Can’t hide the sheen of my eyes
Or the grit of clenched teeth
I’ve become weary, wary
At war with my dread
Beneath this Mask of gold-filigree
And lead

Over time thread frays, Mask cracks
Exposing turmoil beneath
Just a hint, a prelude to a greater grief
The wave crests, this time I don’t hold back
Instead, obsessively, I tear at the Mask
Fearful, but hopeful that someone will see
The broken pieces that make up me

At last the Mask shatters
Bits clatter to the ground
And scatter on the wind, never to be found
I stand naked, both afraid and relieved
It’s terrifying to show the world the real me
To wear my heart and my vulnerabilities on my sleeve
But slowly, surely I’ll learn how to breathe
How to open up
How to be seen

Music

Is far too simple a word to describe
The thrill and the tremble,
The rushing tide
The beat of my heart
When the melody brings me to life

I crank up the volume
Max out the sound
Tighten my headphones
And let myself drown

Drown out the silence
Drown out the dread
And all of the voices that churn in
my head

Close my eyes and sink deeper
Into the stream
Let the music take hold
And wash all of me clean
It burrows deep inside of my bones
A soothing balm to my world-weary
soul

Little Snippets

I hate the quiet spaces when I'm alone with my own thoughts and I can't drown out the phrases that I know deep down are false

Repeat the same old mantra, worn hollow over time - It doesn't matter if I believe it - I still tell myself I'm fine

Crisp mornings and frosted nights - Lazy days draped in waning light - Staying up late, seeking ghoulish frights - I love the weeks before Samhain

I know how to lie - When people ask if I'm fine - Slap on a smile - So bright that it blinds - A perfect pantomime of happiness - A remnant from a time

Dappled sunlight breaks through the haze of a thousand lonely gray days